Beard Year

Movember has just passed, and I was thinking we need another month for the awesomeness that is beards. But which month? So I took the liberty of creating the name for each possible "beard month".

IShouldGrowABeardLikeMyAuntJanuaray

FeBeardary

MarchTowardsBeards

APrettyBeardil

MayIGrowABeard

JuShouldReallyGrowABeardne

JulyAboutNotHavingABeard

AugustusGloopFromWillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactoryDoesNotHaveABeardButIDo

SeptemBearder

OctopiDoNotHaveBeardsber

NoCleanShavenFacevemeber

DecideToGrowABeardember

A moment that must be shared Part 3

During the composition of "A moment that must be shared Part 2"

Tej has typed:
"Tej: Dave and Dave aren't here who will I sit next to?
C: Darren's not here either.
T: Oh..."

Nick: I thought you said Darren was there.
Tej: Oh...yeah.

A moment that must be shared Part 2

Tej: Dave and Dave aren't here who will I sit next to?
C: Darren is.
T: Oh...

Tribute

This is the greatest blog post of all time's...............tribute.

A not so long time ago, me and my ninja brother Nick.
We was hitchhikin down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there scurved a scurvy pirate.
In the middle
Of the road

"Wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite the best blog post in the world
Or I'll eat your souls"

Me and Nick, we looked at each other...
And we said.....OK.

And I dreamt the first post that came to my head
It just so happened to beee
The best post in the world
It was the best post in the world!

Needless to say
The pirate was stunned
Snick-snack went his pirate sword
And the pirate was done.

He asked us
"Be you angels?"
And we said
"Nay, we are better than that. We're ninjas!"
Blog!

This is not the greatest post in the world
This is just a tribute
Couldn't remember the greatest post in the world, no
Cos I dreamt it and I usually don't remember my dreams

And the peculiar thing is this my friends
The post that I dreamt that fateful night
It actually wasn't anything like this at all!

This is not the greatest post in the world
This is just a tribute
Couldn't remember the greatest post in the world, no
Cos I dreamt it and I usually don't remember my dreams

This is just a tribute!
You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there!
Just a matter of opinion.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Good blog, motherblogger, so surprised you can't stop me now!
On fire, yes I'm really on fire, rich motherblogger compare simultaneously
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesome

New shiny stuff

Just a quick one to announce new stuff.

The top bar is black. Much more ninja.

The yellow slogan has changed.

But, the biggest change of all is the new ratings system. At the end of every post you can say how awesome, meh, or crap the awesomeness you just experienced was.

Want something else to be updated? Tell us via (that's French for by) comments.

I'm a rebel

You wanna know why?

I catch busses with only a vague idea of where they're going.

I sometimes speak to randoms.

I go on websites I'm not supposed to at school.

I pirate movies.

I eat cereal with a fork.

I sing along to musicals even when I don't know the words.

I let blind people cut my hair.

I stalked a tennis player to her car (and then ran away giggling).

I sometimes play cricket without a box.

I've been to a skate park.

I sometimes listen to profane music.

I stand right next to the microwave sometimes.

Occasionally, depending on several factors, I speed up when I approach orange lights.

I take out my USB without pressing the safely remove button.

I listen to my iPod at a "hazardous" level.

When crossing the road, I look left, then right, BUT NOT left again.

I drink milk a day after the expiry date.

I watched MA15+ films before I was fifteen, WITHOUT adult supervision.

I occasionally question laws.

I've once said "Arrr me hearties".

I have long showers.

I've been late for something, ON PURPOSE.

I've wasted time writing blog posts about my rebellious exploits.

I sometimes write blog posts without adding labels.

But not in this case.

Ninja Wars: Tragedy and Happiness

PREVIOUSLY ON Ninja Wars: Nick is fat, Daarvid is dead, Tej has been kidnapped by a weird man named Sniper Dias

This is Nick, reporting from the outskirts of Sniper Valley, where I am about to strike and find Ninja Tej, who has been taked captive by a man who we thought would be nice. He was nice. TOO nice. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm back to a healthy weight now, all that rolling has made me healthy. This laptop that I'm writing this post on fell out of my rolls of fat as they melted away. Alright, I'm going in.

Phew, just went in and out. All there that was in there was a note. It read:

"To the place you must go
Where the ninjas know
OH I CANT BE BOTHERED. NINJA HQ TO FIND YOUR FRIEND
I'vea got Tej! Meowhahahahahaha!"

Time to go to Ninja HQ and find Tej!

Alright, I'm on the hill looking at Ninja HQ. It's dark inside. There's a cat or something in the window. HOLY CRAP SNIPER

PEW PEW
*dodge dodge*
PEW
*dodge*
HOLY CRAP THERES A SNIPER SHOOTING AT ME

"Nick, you're here! But how!"
"I absorbed the magical energy of Dias' bullets"
"Woo! He's over there, go kill him! I'm tied up! Not that that would stop me, I'm a ninja, it would be easy, I'm just lazy"
"Wait, he's the cat?"
"Yes"
"U srs?"
"I'm scared of him. Those claws have done terrible, unspeakable things to me!"

Tej here, describing the kill. Sniper Dias can't see Nick coming.

"Meow" *pew* "Meow"

Wow, that was cool. So cool, I cannot describe it in words. Sucks to be you, you miss out.

"Meow...with my....final.....dramatic....moment of life....I have just activated the SUPA SATELLITE to destroy this place! Meowhahahha.....hahaha....hahaha..."*dies*

With a perfect ninja throw of the shuriken, Nick cuts the diamond-adamantine alloys constricting Tej, and they dive out of Ninja HQ just as...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

"Whoa. That was crazy."
"Now we need a new Ninja HQ"
"We'll get a better one, with blackjack and hookers!"
"Where from?"

"Don't worry, I've got a place. It's this place where noone ever goes."

"Wow, you're right. No one will ever come here!"

Darth Vader!

People Orlando Bloom Owned

1. All the orcs in the Lord of the Rings
2. All of the pirates in Pirates of The Carribian
and.....
3. Nick

Yes it was a fateful day when Ninja Nick and Guitar Hero Kate made a wager upon the relationship status of Miranda Kerr. But this tale can only be told in a poem.

Twas a grim day in ninja HQ
Hold on, what rhymes with HQ?
Nick was dreaming of Miranda Kerr
When he was told to stop thinking about her.
Guitar Hero Kate declared "She is taken"
Ninja Nick was shaken.
Miranda Kerr was taken by who?
Orlando Bloom, its true.
Nick refused to believe and made a wager
Kate agreed and nothing good rhymes with wager.
Two pieces of Aztec gold was the value agreed
Would Nick be right or would Kate feed her greed?

Now I am sick of writing the poem so I'll tell you Guitar Hero Kate was right and Nick was wrong. Miranda Kerr is going out with Orlando Bloom. And this is the tale of how Ninja Nick was Owned by Orlando Bloom.

This blog has nothing to do with anything

A
Blog
Can
Describe
Extraordinarily
Fly
Goods.
Here
I
Just
Kreate
Long,
Mind
Numbing
Outlines.
People
Quietly
Read
Stuff
To
Understand
Very
Weird
Xcellent
Yarns.
Zing!

A moment that must be shared

We pick up our story when Nick and Sean have just departed

Tej: So, Dave, it's just me and you.
Dave: And Darren.
Tej: Oh.

Ninja Wars: Disaster on the High Seas of Awesomeness

This is Ninja Nick, reporting from the Chicken Kingdom of the Chicken Lord Daarvid's Internet cafe/dungeon. Tej and I have not been able to access a computer terminal due to our current unfortunate situations.

Firstly mine, for those who do not know, I was sent to the Chicken Kingdom to eat Daarvid's army of chicken minions. Unfortunately, there was much more than I thought. I became morbidly obese after eating 500 chickens, and the remaining 500 rolled me away while saying "ROLLY POLY BAWK BAWK ROLLY POLY".

Webcam shot of Ninja Nick typing this blog

Tej's situation is worse though. Master Sniper Dias, who Tej was meant to get the Magical Sniper of Destiny that could kill Daarvidd off is actually a pedophile or something. I didn't quite understand his ninja-pathy message. All I know is there's chains, cream, and regular meetings. And he can't escape. I will go to Sniper Valley and rescue him! Oh no, Daarvid has entered the room! Why aren't I running/fighting? Oh wait, I'm morbidly obese.

"MUHAHAHAHA! I have you now Ninja Nick!"
"You've had me for a few weeks now. And why are you typing into the computer?"
"Uhhhh, I don't know. Oh wait, how about it's so all your fantastic readers know that YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE"
"NEVER!"
...
Yay! I have just rolled over and crushed Daarvid! Hooray!

Now to roll to Sniper Valley for the next exciting installment!

20 Public Holidays that need to be invented

We all enjoy public holidays and if we had more the world would be a better place so here are a few suggestions from some wise ninjas.

1. International Blog day- a day where people are given time off in order to improve thier blog.

2. International NO DAARVID day- this is for obvious reasons, nobody likes him.

3. International International Day.

4. International Star Wars day- So the geeks of the world can be easily identified.

5. International Kill the Pirates day. - Pretty self-explanatory

6. International Tej and/or Nick's birthday day- so you can celebrate with us.

7. International ninjatejandninjanick.blogspot.com day- so you can have a whole day to read the blog.

8. International Awesomeness day- Note: this day already exists as International Ninja Day, but who doesn't want 2 days to celebrate the same thing.

9. International Day Day - To celebrate all the other days.

10. International Voting Day - A day off so we can decide who we want to vote for. (Note: this is for all acts of voting even when voting what to eat in the next meal).

11. International Chuck Norris Day-s (Also known as weekdays).

12. International Future War Memorial day (so we can mourn the souls lost in the great Ninja and Time Lords vs. Pirates and Daleks war).

13. International Ninja Turtles Day- In case Tej and/or Nick turn into teenage mutant ninja turtles.

14. International Tuesday- (so we can all celebrate tuesdays)

15. International "I'm Batman" day- the guy who doen't celebrate is obviously batman, so we will be able to discover who batman is.

16. International Capture The Pirates Day - In preparation for No. 5.

17. International "I ran out of ideas for days" day

18. Internationall "Think of new days" day.

19. International "I just wanna day off day" day.

20. International "Screw you, boss. I'm taking the day off no matter what you say about some randoms' on the Internet's days" day.

The pirates shall never win...

Many of you may know that the pirates have recently hijacked the day of September 19th to become "International Talk Like a Pirate Day". Of course, the ninjas would never let this victory of claiming a day be rested.

Many eons ago, in 2003, some great ninjas claimed December 5th as "International Ninja Day". This post is just a public decree to the masses of this day. We shall celebrate it as it approaches.

That is all.

Our pet

This is our pet, Mr. Fluffy. He is a true ninja.

LOL DAARVID

A letter to the Bloggers Choice Awards officials

Dear Sir/Madam,

In my travels, I recently came across your website, www.bloggerschoiceawards.com. Initially, I was delighted to find it, otherwise I don't think we would've been able to access our extremely large cash prize.

HOWEVER, I was extremely disappointed, shocked, and sort of gassy, when I found no mention of our wonderful blog. NOT A SINGLE MENTION. When I searched "Awesome Adventures", NOT ONE RESULT TURNED UP :'( . Then, when I went to nominate us, the sign-up form failed to work. At this point I was raging, and even more gassy. I thought "HOW DARE THEY MENTION THESE LESSER, UNINTELLIGENT, AND NINJA-LACKING BLOGS AND NOT OURS!". Then, I stormed over to our blog, and started writing this letter. I was going to abuse you, and talk about how I'm going to MEGAHAXX into your website and change all the votes. But then, I had a realisation of the truth.

Of course, there is a perfectly good reason you didn't mention our blog. We were such obvious winners, it would be unfair to place us amongst the lower citizens of the blogosphere. So, we automatically win, and the "winner" is actually second. Of course!

So to surmise, thank you good sir/madam. Thank you for giving all the other blogs some self-esteem. We shall take our payment in Ninja Dollars. (1 Ninja Dollar = Infinity US Dollars). That is all. Looking forward to getting our prize.

Sincerely,

Nick and/or Tej
Ninja Masters of the Blogiverse

Ninja Wars: The Chickenman Strikes Back

Recently, we killed Daarvid in a spectacular fashion of brimstone and awesomeness.

We thought that after our previous conquests, we had seen the end of him. How wrong we were.
He had returned, in bird form.

"I'ma gonna get you Tej and Nick! Muhahahahahahaha"

We didn't recognise him, until he spoke. Then, we thought "We can take him", until we saw his Chicken Army 2.0."We'ra gonna get you Tej and Nick! Bawk Bawk Bawk Bawk"

Nick: "Haha. I eat chicken for breakfast."
Tej: "But I'm a vegetarian"
Nick: "You'll have to get a sniper then. I guess you have to go to Sniper Valley, and seek the aid of Master Sniper Dias."

TO BE CONTINUED: Will Nick be able to eat that much chicken? Does Sniper Valley even exist? Why does Daarvid have an excessive amount of alcohol?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME ON: Ninja Wars: The one where Daarvid gets defeated AGAIN

A letter to Mitcham Council

Dear the Dark Lords of the Dark Council of Darkness,

I have a bone to pick with you. In the past couple of millenia, you have been busy naming roads. Although your creative skill lacks the ability to come up with good names (eg Ninja Lane) you do have the ability to name things incorrectly. I am currently in battle with Guitar Hero Kate and the Gorge Gang and you had the nerve to call what is clearly the mushroom farm a gorge! No, write exclamation mark, Nick. No don't write that. STOP IT!

Why would you claim it to be Gorge Road when it should be Mushroom Farm Avenue. If this trend of treason continues, I will come...and murder your pets.

Love,
Tej and/or Nick

Mac: The True Story

Although most of our blogging is done on Macs from Ninja HQ, we have decided to reveal their most inner secret.

We have salvaged this from the Apple archives.

A T-flavoured limerick

There once was a man named Mr T,
Who was was floating in the sea,
Along came a shark,
And it said "Fark",
Cos it got punched right in the teeth.

Zombies and Turtles

Ninja Wars: Revenge of the Daarvid

More dark times for the Ninja Republic, but always victory belonged to the ninjas. And failure belongs to Daarvid, yet again.

Until recently, this website was a impenetrable fortress of the Internet. Alas, all was not well. Daarvid was up to his usual tricks. Using his elite army of minions, shown below, Daarvid hacked into the blog and rigged a poll!
He corrupted the results of a question, but with our ninja speed we have upgraded our defenses. The entire poll system has been upgraded, so now only one vote per IP is allowed and the polls are now archived at http://answers.polldaddy.com/ninjatejandninjanick. So now, Daarvid will never be able to be a haxx0r. Now, he is just a simple n00b.

Ninja Wars: Attack of the Nerds

It was a dark time for the Ninja Republic. The Dark Lords of ASMS (pronounced as-meh-ss) and Aberfoyle (pronounced Aberfoyle) and etc. (pronounced et cet-era) were converging on Westminster Not-Abbey for a supreme knowledge-off. We infiltrated their ranks, along with our trusty steeds Guitar Hero Kate and Corporal Punishment and began our campaign for nine dollars each.

After a grueling mind battle, that lasted infinity hours, we came out on top due to the power of ninja. After winning the Scroll of Everlasting General Knowledge,we fled the scene with our booty, and celebrated for many days.

Sadly, we had to leave Guitar Hero Kate behind to the naked men. Also, Corporal Punishment spontaneously combusted and never seen again. If you have seen either of these brave adventurers, please email tejandnick@live.com

MSN bash: Round 1

The first edition of the MSN bash is here, with contributions from all around our contact lists! This one shows how easy it is to move the discussion from maths to boobies.

A says:
u ready to maths things up tomoz?
B says:
unfortunately
A says:
im psyched for tit
B says:
yes, ur psychied for the tit
A says:
shit *it

One about my quest to find The Big Knights DVD:

Nickkk says:
im lookin 4 the big knights
Nickkk says:
and the closest i've got is a similarly named porn movie

The next one needs context. I was invited into a mass convo with a bunch of randoms. After jsut watching a while, I decided to have some fun. (I'm Nickkk)

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:50 PM): ok evryone who is on this write there first and last name

/*~*\_pAigE_/*~*\ *~* gAGe Ya mA boy... iM neVa gUna lEt u gO!! hArrY yA still mA bUtifuL bOy!!*~* says (8:50 PM):

paige illicevs

-----::{l<-@-T-3}::----- says (8:50 PM):

kate williams lol

#47 Tyson #47 Elly is a mad dog and the coolest person out ilytashh is a legend] says (8:50 PM):

tyson williams

___R@c)-(___ says (8:50 PM):

rachel frost

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:50 PM):

joel newton

Nickkk says (8:50 PM):

Nick Doestoyvosky

-----::{l<-@-T-3}::----- says (8:50 PM):

who da hell

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:50 PM):

yea who

Nickkk says (8:50 PM):

u dont rememba me

Nickkk says (8:51 PM):

?

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:51 PM):

no

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:51 PM):

were you from

Nickkk says (8:51 PM):

as if, we talked today

Nickkk says (8:51 PM):

Russia

James says (8:51 PM):

whos nick?

Nickkk says (8:51 PM):

but im an exchange student

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:51 PM):

um what grade

Nickkk says (8:51 PM):

10

5 ??JOEL?? let the Bike WHIP YO PTBA foreva GO AUSTRALIA 5 says (8:52 PM):

which home group

Nickkk says (8:52 PM):

ummmm....all of them

Nickkk has left the conversation.

Keep sending 'em in to tejandnick@live.com

How to make a break-up hilarious

I'm gonna bash you

First of all, go to http://www.bash.org/?search=ninja&sort=0&show=25 just so you understand what we're introducing.

MSN bash.

We all know people say the stupidest and hilariousest things on MSN, but htere is nowhere to share the wonderful things people say. Until now. Here on the blog.

If you email your MSN funnies to tejandnick@live.com we will publish the best of em every week or so. We'll hide names, unless they're needed for the joke to be funny.

Support it, and send in the instant laughs

Pokemon and Lost! Can it get much better?

Probably. But this is still hilarious.

The day we chose our own adventure, Part One

Dear readers, we are here to tell you a story. But unlike our other stories, YOU are here for this one. YOU and Chuck Norris. We will guide along your path, Padawan, giving you two choices at the end of every point. BEGIN!

You wake up. When you look outside and two stones start attacking you. Who you gonna call? If you call the Ghostbusters, go to 1. If you call Chuck Norris, go to 2.

1.
The Ghostbusters are 40 y.o men with flashy vacuum cleaners. How can they help? You die. Game over.

2.
Chuck Norris picks up a bird and hurls it. The stones are defeated. Chuck Norris is the only man who can kill two stones with one bird. Go to 3, brave warrior.

3.
All of a sudden a bomb falls out of the sky. The code is the last digit of infinity, and the last digit of pi. Who you gonna call? Batman, see 4. Chuck Norris, see 5.

4.
Batman tries to work on the bomb, but he is distracted by Robin's homosexual gestures. Batman screws up. You die. Game over.

5.
Chuck Norris quickly counts to infinity, twice, just to double check. He then calculates pi to infinity places. "The last digit is 4...and 2!" The bomb is disarmed. You live. Go to 6.

6.
A blizzard then hits your house. You begin to get frostbite. Who you gonna call? A doctor, see 7. Chuck Norris, see 8.

7.
Unfortunately, when we said "doctor" we meant "reindeer". Reindeer can't help. You die.

8.
You're in luck, because Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. You live. Go to 9, liver.

9. Suddenly German fighter planes appear on the horizorn. Who you gonna call? Superman, see 10. Chuck Norris see 11.

10. Superman appears. For a man with so many super powers he does seem to get owned alot. He senses that Chuck Norris has been here and runs off out of fear. The German fighter planes kill you, Idiot! You die. Game over.

11. Chuck Norris comes running in and the German fighter planes explode. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!". You live, go to 12.

12. Suddenly an alien space ship crashes into your house. The aliens say that they need you to repair their ship. Who you gonna call? A private contractor go to 13 or Chuck Norris go to 14.

13. Private contractors are lazy and work slowly. The aliens enraged by your laziness and destroy your planet! (with the exception of Chuck Norris). You die. Game over.

14. Good idea Chuck, Norris is the ultimate handyman. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. However Chuck Norris Does not work for anyone so he chooses instead to roundhouse kick the aliens through time and space. The aliens end up crashing at Roswell air base in the year 1947. You live adventurer go to 15!

15. MC Hammer appears. You need to steal his shiny pants in order to survive but everyone knows you can't touch MC Hammer. Who you gonna call? Dr. McPantsthief, go to 16, or Chuck Norris, go to 17.

16. Dr. McPantsthief is actually MC Pantsthief, and undercover agent for MC Hammer. They kill you. You die. Game over.

17. Chuck Norris is the only person who CAN touch MC Hammer. MC Hammer activates Emergency Hammertime, but to no avail. Chuck Norris wins. You live. Go to Part 2. When it comes.

Nick's review of Get Smart, The Dark Knight, Black Sheep

Recently, I have seen at least three movies, but I can only remember three, so I guess I can only review those three.

Black Sheep:

Baa-d movie (Lol, pun). I have blocked it out of my memory because of its lack of excellence. The zombie sheep gag dies quickly, and this movie is unnecessarily extremely gory. And so many plot holes. One good point is a sheep farting and blowing itself up. (WTF you think). Level 4. Pretty shite.

Get Smart:

A classic movie that perfectly lives up to the classic TV show. Steve Carell nails Maxwell Smart, and stapling heads are brilliant. Only problem was Tej's extreme loudness while eating and laughing. Level One.

The Dark Knight:

Tej got this one wrong. It is not awesome, it is MEGAAWESOMEWTFBBQBATMANRULLESSWOO!!!! awesome. One of the greatest movies I have ever seen. Everything was near perfection. Heath Ledger, Batman, Morgan Freeman, the non-aging guy from Lost, and the rest of the actors owned. Storyline: Owned. Action: Owned. Ownage: Owned. It owned. You see, Tej's problem was his expectations were set too high. And now yours are, after reading this. Hit yourself in the head repititively several times to forget you read this review, and now go see it. Or I will hit you more.

Tej's Review of Get Smart, Kung Fu Panda and The Dark Knight

Get Smart:

This movie was awesome! As a fan of the TV show this movie had to live up to big expectations and it did! Get Smart was hilariously funny. I could barely breathe because of the amount of laughing I was doing. This movie should definitly be watched. One of the best level 1 films in existence.

Kung Fu Panda:

It was a brilliant idea to have a panda doing kung fu. This movie had Potential. I'm a ninja and I also hold a blackbelt in taekwondo so any movie which involves martial ars automatically holds my attention. However even though the kung fu scenes were awesome, the comedy was basic and unfunny. Because of this I give Kung fu Panda a level 3.

The Dark Knight:

This movie cannot have a bad review. I did prefer Batman Begins, but the Dark Knight was a close second. This movie contained so much awesomeness that those watching whould be bleeding awesomeness for a week. This movie is a level one and those who do not go and watch this film do not deserve to have eyeballs!

Did you know....

...that Tej dabbled in being a Jedi before he became fully ninja? A secret training video of his secret training is below.

The day we captured Osama

And we captured him. The End.

The Tale of 78 Punches

Below is an ancient legend which was recorded by ninja-monks, or "ninjunks", which explains the "Punches Remaining" box to the left.

One Friday last
A Friday in the past
There was two men
A ninja and a man of common-en
Who were watching a game of skill
Which lacked thrills (because it was soccer)
However, a bet was made on this fateful day
Would a kick be made or not, ay?
The ninja said miss, the common man said goal
Two pieces of gold were placed upon the bet...oal
Then there was a kick, the common man looked like a dick
'Cos the kicker was quite shite
And the ninja showed off his might
But he introduced an alternative option
A different pay concoction
"It is well known that one gold piece is worth thirty-nine punches
So how about I supply seventy-eight arm crunches?"
The common man, a total fool, totally agreed
And then us ninjunks made this creed
We instructed the ninja legends known as Tej and Nick
"Put the punches remaining count on your blog, or you'll get the flick (from our society of ninjas)"
So there it lays, counting down
Giving the commoner a constant frown

Nick's review of Kung Fu Panda

The other day I saw Kung Fu Panda, or as I like to call it The Awesome Adventures of Tej and Nick if they were fat computer-generated pandas.

The opening scene was like something out of the blog, with hilarious lines that I thought I came up with, but then the comedy went all down hill. DO NOT see this movie if you want to see a comedy, unless you're a 11-year-old boy who loves 90 minutes of fat jokes.

However, if you want to see an entertaining kick-ass animated kung fu film, Kung Fu Panda is the movie for you. The action scenes are full of ninja ownage, with many moves coming out of the textbook of Ninja.

It also fits the description of a typical kung fu movie. Average plot, awesome locations, awesome fight scenes, philosophical quotes, a praying mantis that performs acupuncture, a turtle that explodes into flower petals, and lame jokes.

I don't know whether to give it a level 4 (for the comedy) or level 2 (for the action). So I averaged it out to a level 3.

The Birthday Blog

Today dear readers, we have to tell you a tale of Guitar Hero Kate, Roc Macrae and The Leprechaun. These three heroes have recently battled TIME but sadly they have lost. Time has aged them by one year. For some strange reason, humans celebrate getting older for one day of the year and the rest of they year complaining that their life is coming to an end.

But fear not young (or not so young) non-ninja people because Ninja Nick and Ninja Tej have this message for you.

"You will always lose the battle against time, as you are not ninjas/Doctor Who, however in recognition of this mighty feat we invite you to join the masterful ninja bloggers in the next poll!"

A letter to Nick's mum

To Nick's mum,

I have a bone to pick with you. You are hindering the blog by refusing to allow Nick to adventurise with the rest of us. The pain and sadness which you are thrusting upon me is causing the blog to die! I know you are the mother of a ninja blogger but that does not make you a ninja. Only a ninja master who has finished reading the internet may produce any sort of excuse to stop the blog.

I believe you should seek the approval from the Jedi council to visit Dr. McNinja who will declare you sicker than Hannibal Lecter for attempting to disembowel the blog.

Yours sexily,
Mr. Guitar Hero Kate ..........well really...Tej ..........not really..........yes really

Nick's review of V for Vendetta

I've always wanted to see V for Vendetta, because it looked pretty cool. Now that I have seen it, I realise I must be psychic because of the AWESOMENESS of this movie. (To please Tej, that is the only time I will the use the A word in this review).

V is a cool character. V. cool.
Plot is potentially realistic (I like it how they DON'T think we'll be in flying cars and on Mars in fifty years time), and this makes it more interesting. V. interesting.
Special effects are special. V. special.

Can't be V. bothered writing a V. big review, but it is one of the V. best political films I've seen.

A V. Level 1.

Tej's review of Gattaca and Waking Life

I have had both the pleasure and the punishment of reviewing two films today. The first is Waking life directed by Richard Linklater. This film attempts to break the conventions of all films and show the world a new type of film. To which I say crap! People want to see the same types of films. Clear with a beginning middle and end. A film should inspire its viewers, this film only managed to inspire motion sickness within me. A movie which breaks all the conventions is an idea with potential. However Waking Life took all this potential and turned it into a film which should be the definition of crap. Waking Life I give you a level 5, one of the worst films I have ever seen.

I also had the great pleasure in watching Gattaca. Although the film is over 11 years old it is a film for the ages. This film managed to give me 106 minutes of pure awesomeness. With a strong storyline and actors to match I would recommend that all of our viewers watch this film. Ethan Hawke, Jude Law and Uma Thurman do this movie justice. For the first time ever on the blog I award Gattaca a level 1.

The day we encountered the dancing bear

Well, dear readers. We recently have had an e-adventure. Our first since we finished the Internet, but that's another story.

It all started with this crazy dancing bear, who was stalking us in cyberspace.

We were chased by him all over cyberspace, with him rampaging through the Web in his taxi.

"I'ma gonna get you Tej and Nick! Muahahahahahaha!"

We hid at a Ball Passing Convention, but he sneakily moonwalked his way in there.

So we ran, but our psychiatrist thought we were insane, and for someone he chose to tell us in song. (PS. "Dexter" is our secret codename only he uses)



We couldn't trust the psychiatrist, so we kept running. But then we got bored and just started dancing with animals. How is that insane?!? Can you see us in the corner? Of course not, we're ninjas!

Stupid psychiatrist...

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

One day Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Rock, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney were having a dinner party. They were all talking about their honours and titles.

Arnie and the Rock said "We've always thought we were the strongest people in the world, but we've never had it confirmed"

Jessica and Angelina then said "We've always thought we were the sexiest women in the world, but we've never had it confirmed either"

George and Brad said "We've always thought we were the sexiest men in the world, but we've never had it confirmed, just like you guys"

Then Arnie said "Why don't I check my magic mirror I've got from the set of Conan? That'll reveal the answers!" So Arnie, went away for a little while and asked the magic mirror everyone's question.

A few hours later, he returned.

"Alright, me and the Rock are the strongest guys.....Angelina and Jessica are the sexiest women.....






but I have no idea who Tej and Nick are!"

20 Best Moments In The History Of The Universe

1. The creation of the internet
2. The invention of ninja
3. The birth of Tej and/or Nick
4. The invention of awesomeness (by Chuck Norris in the year 10000 B.C.)
5. The birth of Chuck Norris
6. The invention of the number 6
7. The creation of the blog
8. The invention of your mum
9. The invention of Star Wars
10. The invention of the toilet
11. The times Tej and/or Nick saved the universe (Of course, there were more than twenty, but listing them all would take too long)
12. The invention of food
13. The invention of words
14. The invention of hair (but not red hair)
15. Our birthdays (feel free to email us presents)*
16. The day you read the blog. (that's right you specifically)
17. The invention of weekends. We remember the times when there were no weekends. A single week would continue for eternity without ending!
18. The invention of people
19. The invention of pick up lines (note: lines such as "I'm not the hottest guy here but I'm the only one talking to you" are extremely effective)
20.The invention of shuriken aka ninja stars (the most awesome weapon that has ever been thought off)

*viruses do not count as presents

P.S. Happy birthday to Nick from a while ago
P.P.S. happy birthday to Guitar Hero Kate from recently
P.P.P.S. Happy birthday to Tej in advanced
P.P.P.P.S Happy birthday to you for whenever

Busk off details...

Regular readers will know that we recently challenged Guitar Hero Kate to a busk off via blog.

We instructed her that if she agreed, all she had to do was leave a comment. She left four. Eager.

We have decided that because she commented four times, she wants a Best Of Four busk off series.
The conditions are:
1. Every week we shall busk at opposite ends of Rundle Mall for four weeks
2. If it is two all, we have a final tie-breaker.

Kate, if you're ready, leave a comment. If you're not ready, still leave a comment. (yes, that's right. You can't get out of this)

The return of Daarvid: Part 3

Previously on "The return of Daarvid": "I'ma gonna getcha!"

Our constant feud with Daarvid had reached breaking point. It was time to make the final move. Time to wash his brain of evil. With a deadly brain-washing sponge.

We sat in Ninja HQ (known to commoners as the Mac Lab), formulating a plan.

"Alright, I'll grab him. You cut his head open and steal his brain."
"Sounds like a plan."

We then whistled innocently as we approached him. He was totally convinced that we were acting innocently.

"Oh look, it's my arch-nemises Tej and Nick, but they're just whisting innocen-"
"Now Tej!"
*grabbing noises*
"Nooooo! I was totally fooled by your plans"
"Yes you were! Now watch as I cut open your head and steal your brain for maximum washing!"
"Hahahahah! My brain won't be caught that easy! BRAIN-LEGS ACTIVATE!"

And then to our surprise, Daarvid's brains suddenly got up and leapt away with robotic legs!

"I'ma gonna get away from you, Tej and Nick! Muhahahahahaha!"

Nick leapt up and took the chase. Ninjas are much faster than robots, and so Nick eventually caught the robot brain.

"Tej get the detergent!"

Nick then washed the brain with a sponge and scrubbed off his evil tendencies, and educated him in they ways of the ninja.

Daarvid then was under our control, and we had yet another victory. Hooray for us!

A message for Nick

As many of you have probably read Nick is very good at calling me a cynical turd/bastard, well Nick I will tell you why my reviews are better than yours.
1.I give an accurate representation of what I think and I don't fill the whole review with the word AWESOME.
2. I don't fall in love with every movie like you do. Nick I accuse you of being a movie whore!
3.I don't ruin movies for readers.

That is why Nick, my reviews (not cynical but accurate) are better than yours.

Nick's Review of Indiana Jones 4

Well, Tej decided to be a cynical turd again and decided to hate an AWESOME movie.

First of all, if you want a realistic movie, do not see this. Go watch a documentary. If you want to see a movie that totally pushes the boundaries of reality, but then breaks the boundaries of AWESOMENESS see Indy 4.

That fact should become obvious when you see Indy survive a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge. But then cue a great movie with an interesting plot, constant awesome action scenes, amazing music, and an awesome cast (e.g. Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Shia LeBeouf, John Hurt, Alan Dale, and Janitor from Scrubs).

If I had any criticism it would be that Sean Connery wasn't in it. Disappointing, Sean. Some of you won't like the fact that the movie is about aliens and spaceships and Indy being Mutt's father and other spoilers.

Anyway, right up there with the originals. Level ONE. P-p-p-platinum Indy!

WARNING - MAJOR SPOILERS ABOVE

Tej's Review of Indiana Jones 4

WARNING - MAJOR SPOILERS ahead

Kwatchii- the sound of hearing a whip crack. Music to my ears, well it used to be. The new installment of the Indiana Jones series has left me bitterly disappointed. If you want action I would recommend you go and watch this film, however if you want a good story line keep away. The ending is the greatest let down in the history of the blog. An alien ship taking off at the end of a movie set in the 1960's? Spielberg must be running out of ideas because I' m pretty sure that was how E.T ended. However as mad as I am at the end of movie, I was pleased for 85% of the movie. Everything up to the last 15 minutes was worth watching so i would recommend walking out just before it ends. I would rate Indiana Jones 4 a level 3, worth watching, but only once.

A public challenge

Dear Guitar Hero Kate,

We challenge you to a challenge that it has never been seen in the world of challenging.

Not a dance-off, not a ninja-off (because we would obviously win), but a..............

BUSK OFF

If you agree to this challenge, Guitar Hero Kate, leave a comment, and we'll get our publicity ninjas to contact your publicity Guitar Heroes.

The prize for the winner unless it is Guitar Hero Kate shall be all the busk money....and a square metre of the Planet Guitaro Omicron IX (or if Kate defies the scientific Laws of Awesomeness, Planet Ninjitsu IV).

Be there, or not be there!

The day I proposed to a billboard

Greetings readers.

Many Earth weeks ago, Tej and Nick went on a quest to find Tej a ninjaette.

He wore his finest penguin/ninja/James Bond suit, armed with an arse.....nal of pick up lines such as
"I'm Batman"
"You're beautiful. Can you cook and clean too?"
"I may not be the best looking guy here but I'm the only one talking to you"

For some unknown reasons, Tej's charms weren't having their usual effect.
Then Ninja Nick decided he needed to be much more epic. A beautiful warrior woman was standing still as a calm lake on the horizon.

This conversation followed:
"Tej, ask her out! No wait, propose to her!"
"Good idea Nick!"
"Wait! It's just a billboard!"
"Oh well, this is best chance I'll ever get of getting a true ninjaette!"

As Tej approached the mysterious warrior woman he saw that she was in fact a poster of one of the stars from TV's Gladiators!

Tej didn't let her lack of life or breathing or movement get to him. He knelt down and in his awesome ninja style he said:

"Destiny, greatest of the Gladiators will you marry me!"

Throughout the whole ordeal, Destiny's expression, appearance, and general behaviour was exactly like this:

"(lack of sound)"

Nick held his breath.
By-standers were speechless with awe.

Tej felt as if he was about to explode...

Tej came back to Nick....without the Destiny billboard beside him.

"Oh well, she didn't say no."
"No, she didn't Nick and that's good enough for me."

On a sidenote, Nick then married the Gladiator, Thunder, and had ninja/Gladiator children with her.

Nick's Review of Iron Man

Well, Iron Man. The man of iron. The Ironic Man. That is what I saw. And I shall review.

But first, congratulations go to Tej for resisting his cynical urges on his review of Deja Vu.

Anyway, Iron Man is one of the many Marvel superhero films of recent times. It had a lot to live up to, with it being in the same boat has Spiderman, X-Men, and Blade. But then if they're in a boat, Iron Man is in an ocean liner. Cos it's awesome. Very awesome.

The special effects were awesome, especially the Jericho missile scene and the dogfight. (Planes fighting, not dogs). Having "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath was also awesome. The plot was surprisingly interesting. It had hilarious lines. And the Iron-Man-goes-around-owning scenes were pretty cool.

But I do have criticisms. One, they spent too long on suit-designing-and-building scenes. They were very annoying eventually, and especially seeing as we had to sit through two of them. This ties in with my second criticism: there weren't enough Iron-Man-goes-around-owning scenes (and too many suit building scenes). For those of you who have seen it, did you realise there's only about three scenes when he owns people in the suit? And the last criticism is that it was left TOO open for Iron Man 2. We don't have any confirmation if any of the villains died. It didn't finish on a cliffhanger, but it didn't finish on a resolution either. Oh, I have one more. I wanted crossovers with other Marvel superheroes. Apparently in a deleted scene they reveal that Stark Industries built Doc Ock's super-arms from Spiderman 2. WHY WOULDN'T YOU KEEP SOMETHING AWESOME LIKE THAT!!!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Iron Man 2, and the rest of the Avengers series. At the end of the credits (not that I hung around), Samuel L. Jackson comes to Iron Man and says "Join the Avengers". The Avengers is the Marvel superhero team. It has Iron Man, the Hulk, Captain America, Thor, and Ant-Man. In the next few years all these heroes with have their own film and then finish off with a combined film. Schweet.

Anyway, Iron Man is a high level 2. Holy crap. That was a long review

Tej’s Review of Déjà Vu

A mind blowingly awesome movie has graced my eyes. With a good but slightly confusing plot Déjà vu is definitely two hours of awesomeness which I would be ready to experience 3 times over. Denzel Washington fits his character perfectly and I was only able to pick up a few plot faults. In total I would rate the movie as a level two, definitely worth watching but it’s not going to be a classic.

The day I fought a turnstile

We thought it would be a normal day. But of course, it never is a normal day when you're awesome ninja bloggers.

It started with a quite train trip. Too quiet. We got off the train and blended in with a crowd of school children and accompanied them on their excursion, to hide from evil pirates and assassins and pirate assassins.

But they were working for pirates, and trapped us like a moth in a bath. Although we escaped their clutches, and we wouldn't be safe until we were back on the train. Although, first a tram trip was needed. The tram almost left before Guest Ninja Mark had to get coffee and return in a blink of an eye.

We ran through the train station, until Tej confronted one of his many arch-nemesises. The turnstile.

"I'ma gonna get you Tej and Nick!!!!!!!! Muhahahahahaha!!!!!"

This conversation followed:

"Jiminy jilickers Tej! It's one of your arch-nemesises, the turnstile!"
"You go on Nick, I'll take this battle"
"But you'll miss the Train of Destiny!"
"No I won't. Believe in me, Nick"
"Okay." Tej then leant in for a passionate k......arate kick to the turnstile's head.

Although, Tej's battle plan was flawed because turnstiles don't have heads. This caused the battle to last longer than expected.

Nick had made the Train, and was hoping to see Tej's ninja speed come out of nowhere. But the train was moving!!!

Then out of nowhere, with bloodied blood and turnstile-related wounds Tej leapt through the doors, and lived to blog about the tale.

The return of Daarvid: Part 2

Previously on "The return of Daarvid": Daarvid is a jerk.

"

hi tej and nick u guyz suk and hav crappy adventures

Hotmail on your mobile. Never miss another e-mail with
"

That was the email that started the war against Daarvid. The man who wants to shoot people who live in houses (because he's jealous cos of his cardboard box) sent us this email on the 13th May, 2008.

The email sucks because Daarvid can't spell, can't use grammar, has sold out, and he has returned from the nega-world where we sent him with our awesome ninja powers many eons ago. And he's pissed.

"I'ma gonna get you Tej and Nick!!!!!!!! Muhahahahahaha!!!!!"

It's on Daarvid. It's on like Donkey Kong.

The forces of awesomeness cannot fail. Otherwise, he will enslave us and force us to walk around topless while pointing angrily. If you don't want this to happen, send spam to this address: muscle_man_777@hotmail.com

The climax awaits. Next time on "The return of Daarvid": Daarvid is a jerk.

Nick's Response to Tej's Review

You cynical bastard!

Tej's Review of Shooter

Dear readers as it has already been declared that one of us is a cynic I thought I would give the movie Shooter a review.

With a dynamic start I hoped for a movie that would be worth watching but Shooter was successful at only getting worse as it went on. I barley made it through it and I feel no problem saying I would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork than have to watch Shooter again. Mark Wahlburg brings a bit of light to a basic and bland story line. Danny Glover only succeeds in annoying people with the catastrophic lisp his character has. In total Shooter is a Level 4 at best.

The return of Daarvid: Part 1

Dear readers,

We have recently been slanderised by the Dark Lord himself. A hairy Hungarian, Daarvid, who has not yet read 1984. He likes to kill puppies and children and child puppies. He is a constant jaywalker and watcher of pirate DVDs. Pirates are bad. He once travelled back in time to kill John Connor, until we stepped in and saved him.

But now, he has returned.....with an angry email.

TO BE CONTINUED

Baba bwa dow!

Things to Do After We Die

1. Visit our own funerals
2. Kill the pirate that got us
3. Try and unite ourselves with the Force (the Obi-Wan ghost thing)
4. Walk through a wall
5. Haunt an ice cream truck
6. Hook up with hot dead people
7. Find our heirs to the blog
8. Haunt the blog
9. Walk through people
10. Investigate the accuracy of The Sixth Sense
11. Say "I can see you" to people while they get changed
12. Propose to a billboard without getting weird glances (see here)
13. Walk around naked without getting arrested
14. Blog from beyond the grave
15. Bust out "phat beats" with significant historical figures (Abe Lincoln was quite the break dancer)
16. Jump off a cliff
17. Give our own eugoogolies
18. Haunt the internet
19. Challenge the Ghostbusters to a bust-off
20. Go around saying "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Comment your own things to do after you die

SAVE LOST IN AUSTRALIA

http://www.petitiononline.com/LOST815/petition.html

So long, and thanks for all the fish

She's a maniac, maniac, on the floor.....who you wouldn't shoot

The entire history of ninjas according to several posters

Ninjas first appeared.

They then took up a house cleaning business, boasting that they could clean your house without disturbing you, by being invisible and silent, like all ninjas are.


They then realised that cleaning sucks, so they began sneaking into parties...

...and meeting beautiful females ninjas.

But, all was not good. Pirates started a war against ninjas, by taunting them constantly.


So, the ninjas pulled out their PhDs and got Batman on their side...

...as well as several dinosaurs, and began their attack!


The ninjas obviously won, and rocked out for the rest of history.

As the caption above says, "No matter how much you accomplish in life you will never be as awesome as this".

ALL HAIL CHARIMAN RUDD AND HIS INEVITABLE ASCENSION

Not to get too political, but here are several propaganda items hailing the Chairman Rudd, and his swift revolution!

Don't put liquid nitrogen in ice cream...and then blend it.

Cos if you do, you're a retard. Like these guys.

Arch-Nemesis of the Week: David Stratton

The new arch-nemesis of the week is this guy:

David Stratton and his army of movie reviewing monkey minions.

Some of you are reading this and go "Hey, I know that guy!. He's a movie reviewer on At The Movies and writes for The Australian." (Of course, that's no one because first of all, no one reads this blog and second of all if you are reading this I doubt you're intelligent enough to watch the ABC or read the Australian)

Mr Stratton never seems to know what is and isn't a good movie. And neither do (most of) the people who comment on his website.

Let me take the only movie that's been reviewed here, Semi-Pro, as an example. He gave it one star out of five. He said "it's only funny if you think a wrestling bear is funny". Well Dave, it is! Now if you think that's a bad review, look at one of his minions, "nickael", who gave it five stars and said "best. movie. ever.". Idiot.

Other films he screwed over include

• The Bourne Ultimatum (2 stars)
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (1 star)
• Transformers (3 and a 1/2 stars)
• 300 (2 stars)
• Borat (3 stars)
• The Ringer (1 star)
• Pride and Prejudice (4 and 1/2) (he overrated this one, the rest underrated...obviously)

That is why he gets "Arch-Nemesis of the Week" this week.

Thoughts on a boring Friday night

So it's boring Friday night, and I'm sitting here thinking "It's a boring Friday night, I should so write a blog".

In my thoughts, I use the word "so" a lot, but rarely speak it. I'll think "I'm so ninja" but I'll say "I'm ninja". Weird, huh? But that's off topic from the original blog's topic.

Oh wait, I don't have a topic yet. So I'll just sit here and think of one

*cricket noises*

Oh, "cricket", that reminds me. IPL starts tonight. For those of you who don't know what IPL is, it's a cricket tournament where the players get paid wheelbarrows of money to play in India for a few weeks. It's on in the middle of the night, which is brilliant, because I hate day compared to night. Tej is in India now I think, and he really should go to a game.

In other news, I'm beating a Mr. Sean in Dream Team atm, and none of my good players have played yet. You suck Sean. And I shall win the bet. I shall win all the bets. You may as well go into the future and give me my money now.

Speaking of "A long time ago in galaxy far far away", guess who won the poll Tej? That's right me. Episode Five wins! Hooray! Thank you to both of you for voting for it.

In other news, I chased a wild pig this week. Well, actually about ten wild pigs. True story.

Damn, I'm still bored.

Nick's Review of: Semi-Pro

Hey all,

Today, many things happened. The ninjas defeated some pirates in an epic battle, I saw Semi-Pro, and Tej proposed to a billboard, but that's another story.

Now Semi-Pro.

I went in expecting a movie that would give me a few laughs, and would perhaps slightly justify my $12. My expectations were fulfilled.

There were a lot of funny bits, (e.g. someone accidentally getting shot in the arm, a bear mauling several people (I'm not sick, but it was hilarious)) but for a Will Ferrell movie, it wasn't that great. Anchorman kicked ass, but this kicked...jejunum.

I would say average Level 3*. Not great, but not bad.

(Level 1 - all-time greats
Level 2 - Excellent films
Level 3- Average/typical films
Level 4 - Bad films
Level 5 - Films you never want to see EVER AGAIN)

The day i killed a dinosaur

When the awesome powers of Ninja Tej met a dinosaur, the results were catastrophic


......for the dinousaur

The angry Hungarian forces of dinosaurs had a key weakness. While Ninja Tej single-handedly fought 42 Triceratopsauruses Ninja Nick peed in their water supply. Bahahahahaha

They died seven days later of lead poisoning.

In other news...

Word of the Day: ace

I aced your mum, Dave H...

Ninja of the Week: Your mum (yes your mum Dave)

Conspiracy Theory of the Week: School Shirts are made of camel spider's faeces.

Opinion of the Week:

I only put out to ninjas - Kate