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93

Firecops: Episode 1: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Firecop Scorned

NARRATOR: Fires. Crime. Both have been around since the dawn of man, but only recently has the technology emerged for criminals to combine them. Originally confined to Mongolian gang hideouts, criminal combustion, or as its known in the underworld "firecrime", is now a worldwide phenomenon. All over the world a need was seen to eradicate these new dangers. They were too dangerous for firemen, too dangerous for cops, but adequate for...

FIRECOPS

[Cue theme song. Lyrics are as follows:]
Firecops!
Don't stop!
Being cool!
Saving schools!
Finding killers comma serial!
Eating cereal!
Protecting the lake!
Making a cake!
Putting out Hades!
Getting ladies!
Meeting with Chief
and the Mayor!
While at the Great Barrier Reef
killing a bear!]

[Cut to local park. An old woman is playing with her dog]

NARRATOR: A safe, regular park on a safe, regular day...

[A dastardly villain enters from left, the woman is shocked]

NARRATOR: ...or is it?!?!?
WOMAN: Oh no! Not Dr. Frenchman!

"Oh haw haw!"

DOCTOR: I am here to steal your cat...

WOMAN: No!
DOCTOR: Then pute le cat in le tree!
WOMAN: No!
DOCTOR: And then light le tree on le fire! Which iz therefore both le criminal and le fireish!
WOMAN: No! But wait! I can call [get out phone, hits 1 on Speeddial, puts on a serious face] the Firecops!
DOCTOR: Sacre bleu!
NARRATOR: The woman's call alerts Firecop HQ...

NARRATOR: From which the mighty Firecopmobile emerges!

"Whoop whoop! Wee wah wee wah!"

[Cut to Firecopmobile pulling up, the Doctor is in the tree with the cat, while lighting it on fire. Yes, the cat. And also the tree. The woman runs over to the Firecopmobile]

WOMAN: Help me, Firecops!

[Slow, sexy music plays as the Firecops emerge from their car. They look like:

"Bitch please, I'm a firecop"

FIRECOP#1: Looks like things are...[takes off sunglasses]...heating up here.
FIRECOP#2: We'll have to...[takes off sunglasses]...cool things down.
WOMAN: Thank the Lord! Please put out the fire and stop the criminal, but don't kill him...
[Here comes the twist!]
WOMAN: ...he's my son!
FIRECOP#1: I guess it's a...[takes off sunglasses]...family tree.

[The two Firecops get out their giant hose and squirt. The villian and cat are pushed out of the tree by its force. One of the Firecops cuffs the Doctor.]

FIRECOP#2: Time for you to go to your room...[takes off sunglasses]...in prison.

[Meanwhile, the tree falls over and sets the whole park on fire. The Firecops remain settled, but a loud voice behind them calls out]

VOICE: FIRECOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPS!
FIRECOP#1: It's the chief!

[The Chief comes into shot. He is Captain Calrissian, the Chief of Police, currently working undercover as a pimp]

"This should be the work of my police force! I've had it with you meddling with our city!"

[Meanwhile, the Chief's younger brother, Chief Lando, Chief of the Fire Department, also notices the large fire that is in the park, and the Firecops putting it out. He is also working undercover, as a space cowboy.]
LANDO: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEECOPS! I've had it with you putting out my department's fires!
FIRECOP#1: Chiefs, just because us, two bachelor vigilante cops slash firemen are doing a better job of running this city than you, doesn't mean you should deny us our rights as Firecops.
CALRISSIAN: If I wasn't undercover I'd smack you so hard...[takes off sunglasses]...it'd burn.
FIRECOP#2: We're Firecops...we don't burn.

[The pairs stare each other down. Until they are interrupted by the Mayor, who happens to be around, and is very angry.]

"Chiefs, Firecops! I've had it with your bickering. Emergency meeting at my office right now!"

[The parties head to the office: The Chiefs in their respective regular fire and cop vehicles, the Firecops in their Firecopmobile, and the Mayor in his stretch Hummer]

MAYOR: I've called this meeting for a very important reason.
FIRECOP#1: Don't keep us waiting, we've got firecrime to fight.
MAYOR: Very well, congratulations on everything, here's a medal.
FIRECOP#2: Thank you! Now, we've got to go get a stuck bucket off a kid's head. It just so happens the bucket was placed there by a DRUNK DRIVER.
MAYOR: Go, quick!
LANDO: Mayor, why do you support their shady activities?
MAYOR: The real question is: why don't you two? Remember...[takes off sunglasses]...we were Firecops once too.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Dear Citizens,

I have an issue with the world! And that issue is.... Alpuchetta restaraunt. Recently in an epic battle i developed a hunger and this hunger pained me on the inside. Ill be right back.....

*tej Flops it out*

*Tej re enters*

The waiters at Alpuchetta have one issue and that is their lack of a sense of humour. While trying to play Jedi mind games with their heads, i realised i can be a loud pretentious prick! Or it was their inferiour force abilities..

The adventure continued such that everytime said waiter entered the room, I would continue to tell a story which offten ended in a loud yelling of

AND MY NIPPLES WERE STUCK TO THE GROUND!!
AND I WAS WEARING A SUMO NAPPIE!
AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE A PICTURE OF MY MUM!!

None of these seemed to get any laughs internal of external from the waiter. And he then had the audacity to make the sly remark gesturing inappropriatley with his genitals to poke my eyes out.

All in all a good restraunt!

The time we went to an awesome food place

I have been recently criticised/paid out for the high level of intelligence displayed in the latest blog post. Apparently, this blog has no place for writers with a superb vocabulary. So, for you readers lacking intellect, I shall repost the latest post with more stupidity, just how you like it:

Here. After a long time of stuff in space where there is no Internet, such as Uranus, we have found a Internet machine. It would take too long to rambled about our space tales, like those against the Daleks (yes, they are real), so we give you an Earth tale of AWESOMENESS.

Our word-blog-writing-thing begins as we got near a building named Alaphutte's, which is Latin for "Latin". Then we said this:

"OMG BUZZ IS BAD :O."
":O BUT WE PWNT WITH NINJA STUFF :D"
"I NEED FOOZDZ"
"ME 2. KEWL FOOD PLACE OVER THERE"
"FONDUE FTW"

We walked in, mooned some chicks, owned the waiters, and shook a guy until he woke up. Then it was time to find a table.

We sat with a Star Wars-themed party, thinking it was Jedis or something. Nick's spidey-senses tingled, as Darth Maul was there and there there were balloons. Nick and Tej were scared of balloons.

We ordered our pre-main meals, which were awesome. We then had the not-pre-main, which was also awesome. Then time for dessert, and had the Ninja's finest food: chocolate fondue. "Fondue" is French for Paris or something. We had a sword fight, which Nick, like the Wikipedia game, was undefeatable at. We then ate the fondue. And this is where it gets awesome.

Turns out Alaphutte is actually Latin for "Pirates". Believe it or not, the place was pirate-acious. And Daarvid wasn't even there. They made Nick's thinking thing hurt with bad ice cream, and Tej had an oopsy. But, fondue is awesome, which Tej spat out to get AWESOME NINJA POWERS. Tej then used these AWESOME NINJA POWERS to defeat the pirates of Ala-PHAIL-ette's and then teleported himself and Nick away to Ninja HQ 2.0

It was then decided that Tej and Nick were too awesome for that pirate-filled nom-shack, so the looking for an even awesomer gob-shop to sneak in and ninja-ise began...

The time we went to a fine restaurant

We're back. After many years of adventures in dimensions where there are no Internet, such as Jupiter and beyond, we have finally found a connection. Although it would take too long to discuss our interstellar adventures, such as those against the Daleks (yes, they are real), we have decided to remain on Earth for this tale of daring do.

Our tale begins as we approached a location named Alaphutte's, which is Latin for "Latin". The following conversation took place.

"Well, Tejbir, turns out Buzz Lightyear is evil."
"I told you, Nick. I can always predict the moral nature of action figures. Luckily, we were able to avoid his epic laser with ninja reflexes."
"All this talk about lasers is making me hungry."
"I share your opinion. Why, look at that fine eatery over there, that looks like a place where two refined citizens such as ourselves would partake in some sort of expensive meal."
"Why, their menu looks quite appetising. After you."

We entered the restaurant, wooed some ladies with our good looks (and posteriors), entertained the waiters with our witty banter, and resurrected a man who died in his chair. Then it was time to find a table.

We interrupted a Star Wars-themed party, mistaking it for a meeting of the Jedi High Council. However, Nick suspected it wasn't quite right, as not only was Darth Maul present, but there were several balloons. Nick and Tej had learnt to be weary of these helium-based lifeforms on their raid on the Planet Balloonus IV, and it's resident King of Balls.

We ordered our entrees, which were rather delightful dishes of various description. We then had the main, which also was up to our fine dining standards. It was then time for dessert, and we could not resist ordering one of the Ninja's finest foods, chocolate fondue. "Fondue" is French for "I'm quite fond of you, ninja". We took part in the customary fondue stick duel, which Nick, like the Wikipedia game, was undefeatable at. We then ate the fondue. And this is where it gets interesting.

Turns out Alaphutte is actually Latin for "Ahahaha, turns out we're pirates". Believe it or not, the entire establishment was run and managed by pirates. And Daarvid wasn't even there. They subjected Nick to brainfreeze with Antarctican ice cream from Antarctica, and Tej spilt some chocolate on himself. However, not even pirates could remove the holiness from fondue, which Tej drank a glass of and then spat out to summon AWESOME NINJA POWERS. Tej then used these AWESOME NINJA POWERS to defeat the pirates of Ala-PHAIL-ette's and then teleported himself and Nick away to Ninja HQ 2.0

It was then decided that Tej and Nick were too refined for that pirate-filled, mistranslating restaurant, so the search for an even fancy-pantsier establishment to infiltrate and entertain began...

Tej's Other review of Quantum of Solace

In an epic/awesome adventure/movie going experience I went to go see James Bond, The Quantum of Solace. I went undercover in my best James Bond suit and met up with and awsome team of similarly dressed people- (not including Nick).

We snuck into the movie....

after paying for the tickets and enjoyed the awesomeness that is James Bond, Now while you may here stories about Captain Coffee falling asleep and Darrvid stealing Guitar Hero Kate's popcorn because he was bored, the only thing I can say is James Bond is awesome. While it is not the best James Bond movie, it is a James Bond Movie and therefore is automatically a level 2.

So to all those who say the movie is bad I have one message for you. I will hunt you down and HEADS WILL ROLL!

Tej's Reveiw of Quantum of Solace

Awesome

Beard Year

Movember has just passed, and I was thinking we need another month for the awesomeness that is beards. But which month? So I took the liberty of creating the name for each possible "beard month".

IShouldGrowABeardLikeMyAuntJanuaray

FeBeardary

MarchTowardsBeards

APrettyBeardil

MayIGrowABeard

JuShouldReallyGrowABeardne

JulyAboutNotHavingABeard

AugustusGloopFromWillyWonkaAndTheChocolateFactoryDoesNotHaveABeardButIDo

SeptemBearder

OctopiDoNotHaveBeardsber

NoCleanShavenFacevemeber

DecideToGrowABeardember

A moment that must be shared Part 3

During the composition of "A moment that must be shared Part 2"

Tej has typed:
"Tej: Dave and Dave aren't here who will I sit next to?
C: Darren's not here either.
T: Oh..."

Nick: I thought you said Darren was there.
Tej: Oh...yeah.

A moment that must be shared Part 2

Tej: Dave and Dave aren't here who will I sit next to?
C: Darren is.
T: Oh...

Tribute

This is the greatest blog post of all time's...............tribute.

A not so long time ago, me and my ninja brother Nick.
We was hitchhikin down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there scurved a scurvy pirate.
In the middle
Of the road

"Wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite the best blog post in the world
Or I'll eat your souls"

Me and Nick, we looked at each other...
And we said.....OK.

And I dreamt the first post that came to my head
It just so happened to beee
The best post in the world
It was the best post in the world!

Needless to say
The pirate was stunned
Snick-snack went his pirate sword
And the pirate was done.

He asked us
"Be you angels?"
And we said
"Nay, we are better than that. We're ninjas!"
Blog!

This is not the greatest post in the world
This is just a tribute
Couldn't remember the greatest post in the world, no
Cos I dreamt it and I usually don't remember my dreams

And the peculiar thing is this my friends
The post that I dreamt that fateful night
It actually wasn't anything like this at all!

This is not the greatest post in the world
This is just a tribute
Couldn't remember the greatest post in the world, no
Cos I dreamt it and I usually don't remember my dreams

This is just a tribute!
You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there!
Just a matter of opinion.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Good blog, motherblogger, so surprised you can't stop me now!
On fire, yes I'm really on fire, rich motherblogger compare simultaneously
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesome

New shiny stuff

Just a quick one to announce new stuff.

The top bar is black. Much more ninja.

The yellow slogan has changed.

But, the biggest change of all is the new ratings system. At the end of every post you can say how awesome, meh, or crap the awesomeness you just experienced was.

Want something else to be updated? Tell us via (that's French for by) comments.

I'm a rebel

You wanna know why?

I catch busses with only a vague idea of where they're going.

I sometimes speak to randoms.

I go on websites I'm not supposed to at school.

I pirate movies.

I eat cereal with a fork.

I sing along to musicals even when I don't know the words.

I let blind people cut my hair.

I stalked a tennis player to her car (and then ran away giggling).

I sometimes play cricket without a box.

I've been to a skate park.

I sometimes listen to profane music.

I stand right next to the microwave sometimes.

Occasionally, depending on several factors, I speed up when I approach orange lights.

I take out my USB without pressing the safely remove button.

I listen to my iPod at a "hazardous" level.

When crossing the road, I look left, then right, BUT NOT left again.

I drink milk a day after the expiry date.

I watched MA15+ films before I was fifteen, WITHOUT adult supervision.

I occasionally question laws.

I've once said "Arrr me hearties".

I have long showers.

I've been late for something, ON PURPOSE.

I've wasted time writing blog posts about my rebellious exploits.

I sometimes write blog posts without adding labels.

But not in this case.

Ninja Wars: Tragedy and Happiness

PREVIOUSLY ON Ninja Wars: Nick is fat, Daarvid is dead, Tej has been kidnapped by a weird man named Sniper Dias

This is Nick, reporting from the outskirts of Sniper Valley, where I am about to strike and find Ninja Tej, who has been taked captive by a man who we thought would be nice. He was nice. TOO nice. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm back to a healthy weight now, all that rolling has made me healthy. This laptop that I'm writing this post on fell out of my rolls of fat as they melted away. Alright, I'm going in.

Phew, just went in and out. All there that was in there was a note. It read:

"To the place you must go
Where the ninjas know
OH I CANT BE BOTHERED. NINJA HQ TO FIND YOUR FRIEND
I'vea got Tej! Meowhahahahahaha!"

Time to go to Ninja HQ and find Tej!

Alright, I'm on the hill looking at Ninja HQ. It's dark inside. There's a cat or something in the window. HOLY CRAP SNIPER

PEW PEW
*dodge dodge*
PEW
*dodge*
HOLY CRAP THERES A SNIPER SHOOTING AT ME

"Nick, you're here! But how!"
"I absorbed the magical energy of Dias' bullets"
"Woo! He's over there, go kill him! I'm tied up! Not that that would stop me, I'm a ninja, it would be easy, I'm just lazy"
"Wait, he's the cat?"
"Yes"
"U srs?"
"I'm scared of him. Those claws have done terrible, unspeakable things to me!"

Tej here, describing the kill. Sniper Dias can't see Nick coming.

"Meow" *pew* "Meow"

Wow, that was cool. So cool, I cannot describe it in words. Sucks to be you, you miss out.

"Meow...with my....final.....dramatic....moment of life....I have just activated the SUPA SATELLITE to destroy this place! Meowhahahha.....hahaha....hahaha..."*dies*

With a perfect ninja throw of the shuriken, Nick cuts the diamond-adamantine alloys constricting Tej, and they dive out of Ninja HQ just as...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

"Whoa. That was crazy."
"Now we need a new Ninja HQ"
"We'll get a better one, with blackjack and hookers!"
"Where from?"

"Don't worry, I've got a place. It's this place where noone ever goes."

"Wow, you're right. No one will ever come here!"

Darth Vader!

People Orlando Bloom Owned

1. All the orcs in the Lord of the Rings
2. All of the pirates in Pirates of The Carribian
and.....
3. Nick

Yes it was a fateful day when Ninja Nick and Guitar Hero Kate made a wager upon the relationship status of Miranda Kerr. But this tale can only be told in a poem.

Twas a grim day in ninja HQ
Hold on, what rhymes with HQ?
Nick was dreaming of Miranda Kerr
When he was told to stop thinking about her.
Guitar Hero Kate declared "She is taken"
Ninja Nick was shaken.
Miranda Kerr was taken by who?
Orlando Bloom, its true.
Nick refused to believe and made a wager
Kate agreed and nothing good rhymes with wager.
Two pieces of Aztec gold was the value agreed
Would Nick be right or would Kate feed her greed?

Now I am sick of writing the poem so I'll tell you Guitar Hero Kate was right and Nick was wrong. Miranda Kerr is going out with Orlando Bloom. And this is the tale of how Ninja Nick was Owned by Orlando Bloom.

This blog has nothing to do with anything

A
Blog
Can
Describe
Extraordinarily
Fly
Goods.
Here
I
Just
Kreate
Long,
Mind
Numbing
Outlines.
People
Quietly
Read
Stuff
To
Understand
Very
Weird
Xcellent
Yarns.
Zing!

A moment that must be shared

We pick up our story when Nick and Sean have just departed

Tej: So, Dave, it's just me and you.
Dave: And Darren.
Tej: Oh.

Ninja Wars: Disaster on the High Seas of Awesomeness

This is Ninja Nick, reporting from the Chicken Kingdom of the Chicken Lord Daarvid's Internet cafe/dungeon. Tej and I have not been able to access a computer terminal due to our current unfortunate situations.

Firstly mine, for those who do not know, I was sent to the Chicken Kingdom to eat Daarvid's army of chicken minions. Unfortunately, there was much more than I thought. I became morbidly obese after eating 500 chickens, and the remaining 500 rolled me away while saying "ROLLY POLY BAWK BAWK ROLLY POLY".

Webcam shot of Ninja Nick typing this blog

Tej's situation is worse though. Master Sniper Dias, who Tej was meant to get the Magical Sniper of Destiny that could kill Daarvidd off is actually a pedophile or something. I didn't quite understand his ninja-pathy message. All I know is there's chains, cream, and regular meetings. And he can't escape. I will go to Sniper Valley and rescue him! Oh no, Daarvid has entered the room! Why aren't I running/fighting? Oh wait, I'm morbidly obese.

"MUHAHAHAHA! I have you now Ninja Nick!"
"You've had me for a few weeks now. And why are you typing into the computer?"
"Uhhhh, I don't know. Oh wait, how about it's so all your fantastic readers know that YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE"
"NEVER!"
...
Yay! I have just rolled over and crushed Daarvid! Hooray!

Now to roll to Sniper Valley for the next exciting installment!