The Tale of 78 Punches

Below is an ancient legend which was recorded by ninja-monks, or "ninjunks", which explains the "Punches Remaining" box to the left.

One Friday last
A Friday in the past
There was two men
A ninja and a man of common-en
Who were watching a game of skill
Which lacked thrills (because it was soccer)
However, a bet was made on this fateful day
Would a kick be made or not, ay?
The ninja said miss, the common man said goal
Two pieces of gold were placed upon the bet...oal
Then there was a kick, the common man looked like a dick
'Cos the kicker was quite shite
And the ninja showed off his might
But he introduced an alternative option
A different pay concoction
"It is well known that one gold piece is worth thirty-nine punches
So how about I supply seventy-eight arm crunches?"
The common man, a total fool, totally agreed
And then us ninjunks made this creed
We instructed the ninja legends known as Tej and Nick
"Put the punches remaining count on your blog, or you'll get the flick (from our society of ninjas)"
So there it lays, counting down
Giving the commoner a constant frown

Nick's review of Kung Fu Panda

The other day I saw Kung Fu Panda, or as I like to call it The Awesome Adventures of Tej and Nick if they were fat computer-generated pandas.

The opening scene was like something out of the blog, with hilarious lines that I thought I came up with, but then the comedy went all down hill. DO NOT see this movie if you want to see a comedy, unless you're a 11-year-old boy who loves 90 minutes of fat jokes.

However, if you want to see an entertaining kick-ass animated kung fu film, Kung Fu Panda is the movie for you. The action scenes are full of ninja ownage, with many moves coming out of the textbook of Ninja.

It also fits the description of a typical kung fu movie. Average plot, awesome locations, awesome fight scenes, philosophical quotes, a praying mantis that performs acupuncture, a turtle that explodes into flower petals, and lame jokes.

I don't know whether to give it a level 4 (for the comedy) or level 2 (for the action). So I averaged it out to a level 3.

The Birthday Blog

Today dear readers, we have to tell you a tale of Guitar Hero Kate, Roc Macrae and The Leprechaun. These three heroes have recently battled TIME but sadly they have lost. Time has aged them by one year. For some strange reason, humans celebrate getting older for one day of the year and the rest of they year complaining that their life is coming to an end.

But fear not young (or not so young) non-ninja people because Ninja Nick and Ninja Tej have this message for you.

"You will always lose the battle against time, as you are not ninjas/Doctor Who, however in recognition of this mighty feat we invite you to join the masterful ninja bloggers in the next poll!"

A letter to Nick's mum

To Nick's mum,

I have a bone to pick with you. You are hindering the blog by refusing to allow Nick to adventurise with the rest of us. The pain and sadness which you are thrusting upon me is causing the blog to die! I know you are the mother of a ninja blogger but that does not make you a ninja. Only a ninja master who has finished reading the internet may produce any sort of excuse to stop the blog.

I believe you should seek the approval from the Jedi council to visit Dr. McNinja who will declare you sicker than Hannibal Lecter for attempting to disembowel the blog.

Yours sexily,
Mr. Guitar Hero Kate ..........well really...Tej ..........not really..........yes really

Nick's review of V for Vendetta

I've always wanted to see V for Vendetta, because it looked pretty cool. Now that I have seen it, I realise I must be psychic because of the AWESOMENESS of this movie. (To please Tej, that is the only time I will the use the A word in this review).

V is a cool character. V. cool.
Plot is potentially realistic (I like it how they DON'T think we'll be in flying cars and on Mars in fifty years time), and this makes it more interesting. V. interesting.
Special effects are special. V. special.

Can't be V. bothered writing a V. big review, but it is one of the V. best political films I've seen.

A V. Level 1.

Tej's review of Gattaca and Waking Life

I have had both the pleasure and the punishment of reviewing two films today. The first is Waking life directed by Richard Linklater. This film attempts to break the conventions of all films and show the world a new type of film. To which I say crap! People want to see the same types of films. Clear with a beginning middle and end. A film should inspire its viewers, this film only managed to inspire motion sickness within me. A movie which breaks all the conventions is an idea with potential. However Waking Life took all this potential and turned it into a film which should be the definition of crap. Waking Life I give you a level 5, one of the worst films I have ever seen.

I also had the great pleasure in watching Gattaca. Although the film is over 11 years old it is a film for the ages. This film managed to give me 106 minutes of pure awesomeness. With a strong storyline and actors to match I would recommend that all of our viewers watch this film. Ethan Hawke, Jude Law and Uma Thurman do this movie justice. For the first time ever on the blog I award Gattaca a level 1.

The day we encountered the dancing bear

Well, dear readers. We recently have had an e-adventure. Our first since we finished the Internet, but that's another story.

It all started with this crazy dancing bear, who was stalking us in cyberspace.

We were chased by him all over cyberspace, with him rampaging through the Web in his taxi.

"I'ma gonna get you Tej and Nick! Muahahahahahaha!"

We hid at a Ball Passing Convention, but he sneakily moonwalked his way in there.

So we ran, but our psychiatrist thought we were insane, and for someone he chose to tell us in song. (PS. "Dexter" is our secret codename only he uses)



We couldn't trust the psychiatrist, so we kept running. But then we got bored and just started dancing with animals. How is that insane?!? Can you see us in the corner? Of course not, we're ninjas!

Stupid psychiatrist...

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

One day Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Rock, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney were having a dinner party. They were all talking about their honours and titles.

Arnie and the Rock said "We've always thought we were the strongest people in the world, but we've never had it confirmed"

Jessica and Angelina then said "We've always thought we were the sexiest women in the world, but we've never had it confirmed either"

George and Brad said "We've always thought we were the sexiest men in the world, but we've never had it confirmed, just like you guys"

Then Arnie said "Why don't I check my magic mirror I've got from the set of Conan? That'll reveal the answers!" So Arnie, went away for a little while and asked the magic mirror everyone's question.

A few hours later, he returned.

"Alright, me and the Rock are the strongest guys.....Angelina and Jessica are the sexiest women.....






but I have no idea who Tej and Nick are!"

20 Best Moments In The History Of The Universe

1. The creation of the internet
2. The invention of ninja
3. The birth of Tej and/or Nick
4. The invention of awesomeness (by Chuck Norris in the year 10000 B.C.)
5. The birth of Chuck Norris
6. The invention of the number 6
7. The creation of the blog
8. The invention of your mum
9. The invention of Star Wars
10. The invention of the toilet
11. The times Tej and/or Nick saved the universe (Of course, there were more than twenty, but listing them all would take too long)
12. The invention of food
13. The invention of words
14. The invention of hair (but not red hair)
15. Our birthdays (feel free to email us presents)*
16. The day you read the blog. (that's right you specifically)
17. The invention of weekends. We remember the times when there were no weekends. A single week would continue for eternity without ending!
18. The invention of people
19. The invention of pick up lines (note: lines such as "I'm not the hottest guy here but I'm the only one talking to you" are extremely effective)
20.The invention of shuriken aka ninja stars (the most awesome weapon that has ever been thought off)

*viruses do not count as presents

P.S. Happy birthday to Nick from a while ago
P.P.S. happy birthday to Guitar Hero Kate from recently
P.P.P.S. Happy birthday to Tej in advanced
P.P.P.P.S Happy birthday to you for whenever