Ninja Wars: Tragedy and Happiness

PREVIOUSLY ON Ninja Wars: Nick is fat, Daarvid is dead, Tej has been kidnapped by a weird man named Sniper Dias

This is Nick, reporting from the outskirts of Sniper Valley, where I am about to strike and find Ninja Tej, who has been taked captive by a man who we thought would be nice. He was nice. TOO nice. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm back to a healthy weight now, all that rolling has made me healthy. This laptop that I'm writing this post on fell out of my rolls of fat as they melted away. Alright, I'm going in.

Phew, just went in and out. All there that was in there was a note. It read:

"To the place you must go
Where the ninjas know
OH I CANT BE BOTHERED. NINJA HQ TO FIND YOUR FRIEND
I'vea got Tej! Meowhahahahahaha!"

Time to go to Ninja HQ and find Tej!

Alright, I'm on the hill looking at Ninja HQ. It's dark inside. There's a cat or something in the window. HOLY CRAP SNIPER

PEW PEW
*dodge dodge*
PEW
*dodge*
HOLY CRAP THERES A SNIPER SHOOTING AT ME

"Nick, you're here! But how!"
"I absorbed the magical energy of Dias' bullets"
"Woo! He's over there, go kill him! I'm tied up! Not that that would stop me, I'm a ninja, it would be easy, I'm just lazy"
"Wait, he's the cat?"
"Yes"
"U srs?"
"I'm scared of him. Those claws have done terrible, unspeakable things to me!"

Tej here, describing the kill. Sniper Dias can't see Nick coming.

"Meow" *pew* "Meow"

Wow, that was cool. So cool, I cannot describe it in words. Sucks to be you, you miss out.

"Meow...with my....final.....dramatic....moment of life....I have just activated the SUPA SATELLITE to destroy this place! Meowhahahha.....hahaha....hahaha..."*dies*

With a perfect ninja throw of the shuriken, Nick cuts the diamond-adamantine alloys constricting Tej, and they dive out of Ninja HQ just as...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"

"Whoa. That was crazy."
"Now we need a new Ninja HQ"
"We'll get a better one, with blackjack and hookers!"
"Where from?"

"Don't worry, I've got a place. It's this place where noone ever goes."

"Wow, you're right. No one will ever come here!"