Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Firecops: Episode 1: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Firecop Scorned
NARRATOR: Fires. Crime. Both have been around since the dawn of man, but only recently has the technology emerged for criminals to combine them. Originally confined to Mongolian gang hideouts, criminal combustion, or as its known in the underworld "firecrime", is now a worldwide phenomenon. All over the world a need was seen to eradicate these new dangers. They were too dangerous for firemen, too dangerous for cops, but adequate for...
[Cue theme song. Lyrics are as follows:]
Firecops!
Don't stop!
Being cool!
Saving schools!
Finding killers comma serial!
Eating cereal!
Protecting the lake!
Making a cake!
Putting out Hades!
Getting ladies!
Meeting with Chief
and the Mayor!
While at the Great Barrier Reef
killing a bear!]
[Cut to local park. An old woman is playing with her dog]
NARRATOR: A safe, regular park on a safe, regular day...
[A dastardly villain enters from left, the woman is shocked]
NARRATOR: ...or is it?!?!?
WOMAN: Oh no! Not Dr. Frenchman!
DOCTOR: I am here to steal your cat...
WOMAN: No!
DOCTOR: Then pute le cat in le tree!
WOMAN: No!
DOCTOR: And then light le tree on le fire! Which iz therefore both le criminal and le fireish!
WOMAN: No! But wait! I can call [get out phone, hits 1 on Speeddial, puts on a serious face] the Firecops!
DOCTOR: Sacre bleu!
NARRATOR: The woman's call alerts Firecop HQ...
NARRATOR: From which the mighty Firecopmobile emerges!
"Whoop whoop! Wee wah wee wah!"
[Cut to Firecopmobile pulling up, the Doctor is in the tree with the cat, while lighting it on fire. Yes, the cat. And also the tree. The woman runs over to the Firecopmobile]
WOMAN: Help me, Firecops!
[Slow, sexy music plays as the Firecops emerge from their car. They look like:
"Bitch please, I'm a firecop"
FIRECOP#1: Looks like things are...[takes off sunglasses]...heating up here.
FIRECOP#2: We'll have to...[takes off sunglasses]...cool things down.
WOMAN: Thank the Lord! Please put out the fire and stop the criminal, but don't kill him...
[Here comes the twist!]
WOMAN: ...he's my son!
FIRECOP#1: I guess it's a...[takes off sunglasses]...family tree.
[The two Firecops get out their giant hose and squirt. The villian and cat are pushed out of the tree by its force. One of the Firecops cuffs the Doctor.]
FIRECOP#2: Time for you to go to your room...[takes off sunglasses]...in prison.
[Meanwhile, the tree falls over and sets the whole park on fire. The Firecops remain settled, but a loud voice behind them calls out]
VOICE: FIRECOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPS!
FIRECOP#1: It's the chief!
[The Chief comes into shot. He is Captain Calrissian, the Chief of Police, currently working undercover as a pimp]
"This should be the work of my police force! I've had it with you meddling with our city!"
[Meanwhile, the Chief's younger brother, Chief Lando, Chief of the Fire Department, also notices the large fire that is in the park, and the Firecops putting it out. He is also working undercover, as a space cowboy.]
LANDO: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEECOPS! I've had it with you putting out my department's fires!
FIRECOP#1: Chiefs, just because us, two bachelor vigilante cops slash firemen are doing a better job of running this city than you, doesn't mean you should deny us our rights as Firecops.
CALRISSIAN: If I wasn't undercover I'd smack you so hard...[takes off sunglasses]...it'd burn.
FIRECOP#2: We're Firecops...we don't burn.
[The pairs stare each other down. Until they are interrupted by the Mayor, who happens to be around, and is very angry.]
MAYOR: I've called this meeting for a very important reason.
FIRECOP#1: Don't keep us waiting, we've got firecrime to fight.
MAYOR: Very well, congratulations on everything, here's a medal.
FIRECOP#2: Thank you! Now, we've got to go get a stuck bucket off a kid's head. It just so happens the bucket was placed there by a DRUNK DRIVER.
MAYOR: Go, quick!
LANDO: Mayor, why do you support their shady activities?
MAYOR: The real question is: why don't you two? Remember...[takes off sunglasses]...we were Firecops once too.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
FIRECOPS
[Cue theme song. Lyrics are as follows:]
Firecops!
Don't stop!
Being cool!
Saving schools!
Finding killers comma serial!
Eating cereal!
Protecting the lake!
Making a cake!
Putting out Hades!
Getting ladies!
Meeting with Chief
and the Mayor!
While at the Great Barrier Reef
killing a bear!]
[Cut to local park. An old woman is playing with her dog]
NARRATOR: A safe, regular park on a safe, regular day...
[A dastardly villain enters from left, the woman is shocked]
NARRATOR: ...or is it?!?!?
WOMAN: Oh no! Not Dr. Frenchman!
"Oh haw haw!"
DOCTOR: Then pute le cat in le tree!
WOMAN: No!
DOCTOR: And then light le tree on le fire! Which iz therefore both le criminal and le fireish!
WOMAN: No! But wait! I can call [get out phone, hits 1 on Speeddial, puts on a serious face] the Firecops!
DOCTOR: Sacre bleu!
NARRATOR: The woman's call alerts Firecop HQ...
NARRATOR: From which the mighty Firecopmobile emerges!
"Whoop whoop! Wee wah wee wah!"
[Cut to Firecopmobile pulling up, the Doctor is in the tree with the cat, while lighting it on fire. Yes, the cat. And also the tree. The woman runs over to the Firecopmobile]
WOMAN: Help me, Firecops!
[Slow, sexy music plays as the Firecops emerge from their car. They look like:
"Bitch please, I'm a firecop"FIRECOP#1: Looks like things are...[takes off sunglasses]...heating up here.
FIRECOP#2: We'll have to...[takes off sunglasses]...cool things down.
WOMAN: Thank the Lord! Please put out the fire and stop the criminal, but don't kill him...
[Here comes the twist!]
WOMAN: ...he's my son!
FIRECOP#1: I guess it's a...[takes off sunglasses]...family tree.
[The two Firecops get out their giant hose and squirt. The villian and cat are pushed out of the tree by its force. One of the Firecops cuffs the Doctor.]
FIRECOP#2: Time for you to go to your room...[takes off sunglasses]...in prison.
[Meanwhile, the tree falls over and sets the whole park on fire. The Firecops remain settled, but a loud voice behind them calls out]
VOICE: FIRECOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPS!
FIRECOP#1: It's the chief!
[The Chief comes into shot. He is Captain Calrissian, the Chief of Police, currently working undercover as a pimp]
"This should be the work of my police force! I've had it with you meddling with our city!"[Meanwhile, the Chief's younger brother, Chief Lando, Chief of the Fire Department, also notices the large fire that is in the park, and the Firecops putting it out. He is also working undercover, as a space cowboy.]
LANDO: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEECOPS! I've had it with you putting out my department's fires!FIRECOP#1: Chiefs, just because us, two bachelor vigilante cops slash firemen are doing a better job of running this city than you, doesn't mean you should deny us our rights as Firecops.
CALRISSIAN: If I wasn't undercover I'd smack you so hard...[takes off sunglasses]...it'd burn.
FIRECOP#2: We're Firecops...we don't burn.
[The pairs stare each other down. Until they are interrupted by the Mayor, who happens to be around, and is very angry.]
"Chiefs, Firecops! I've had it with your bickering. Emergency meeting at my office right now!"
[The parties head to the office: The Chiefs in their respective regular fire and cop vehicles, the Firecops in their Firecopmobile, and the Mayor in his stretch Hummer]MAYOR: I've called this meeting for a very important reason.
FIRECOP#1: Don't keep us waiting, we've got firecrime to fight.
MAYOR: Very well, congratulations on everything, here's a medal.
FIRECOP#2: Thank you! Now, we've got to go get a stuck bucket off a kid's head. It just so happens the bucket was placed there by a DRUNK DRIVER.
MAYOR: Go, quick!
LANDO: Mayor, why do you support their shady activities?
MAYOR: The real question is: why don't you two? Remember...[takes off sunglasses]...we were Firecops once too.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
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